Archive for February, 2012

I’m beloved

Posted: 20 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

Have you heard Jason Gray’ song “Remind me who I am”? is pretty new or maybe not much, Google just told me that his last album, ‘A Way To See In The Dark’ was released in September 13, 2011. But you know, I’m from Colombia, no one knows him here as far as I know, or if he is known here (I’m not the most wise person when it comes to music), I’m pretty sure his album hasn’t been released here or maybe will never be. Anyway I found his song by casualty. ‘Remind me who I am’ Jesus Christ!, what a powerful song and you die when you watch the video on Youtube…  it says a lot.

Now, how I get to this song? well, as I said before, I like to do my own research and yesterday I ended up and in a Christian radio online (Klove Radio). I heard it for a while and I downloaded three songs that I heard there, well actually two besides the one from Jason that I paid for. The other two I downloaded them for free. One is ‘Everlasting God’ by Lincoln Brewster and ‘Mountain of God’ by Third Day. I not just downloaded the mp3 versions of these songs but also the video, not the official one (except in Jason’s case) but a video with the song to upload it again and add it Spanish captions (annotations). I haven’t put Spanish subtitles to Mountain of God, and because of that I’m not gonna talk about it in this post, I haven’t paid much attention to it yet. However I will talk about the other two.

Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster has a very short but clear message. It touched me because at the end of it there’s a child talking about God and his or her voice is so sweet, here, listen to that part.e

There’s also a video in which Lincoln tells how he created the song and the main fact of the story is that the song is based on Isaiah 40, 28-31.

“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint”.

And that’s pretty much what I have to say about this song. Now about ‘Remind me who I am’ by Jason Gray. In my research of him and his song I checked his site, also his Facebook page, also the one from where you can pay and download the whole album or song by song, and the Facebook page of The Remind Me Project. I didn’t know anything about him till yesterday, I wasn’t even aware of his existence, but I found pretty interesting the fact of him being stutterer and how he says on his Facebook page that he made of that a strength to praise God. That’s awesome… let me bring from there what exactly says:

“One of the first things you should know about me is that I suffer from a speech handicap known as stuttering. But instead of it being a liability, I’ve found it to be a great asset in the work I get to do. Our weakness, if we let it, can give us access to a strength beyond ourselves. Over and over we see the principle that it’s through our weakness that God’s strength is perfected in our lives”.

The song is so catchy and his voice is really beautiful, I hadn’t paid much attention to it beyond the chorus before putting subtitles to the video, I hadn’t either checked the video really, you know I just downloaded it and uploaded it again without paying attention to it, but when I did… Oh boy!, it was and it is really awesome. Here, let’s take a look and then I’ll tell you about The Remind Me Project.

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You have to pay attention to it carefully. Now if you did, let me tell you what The Remind Me Project is. You see, the whole message of the song and video is that it doesn’t matter what we are, were, did or do in our lives, the only thing that matters is that we are God’s beloved. So The Remind Me Project is a Facebook Page in which Jason invites people to take a picture of themselves with the label “Beloved” and the caption “I used to be —– now I am BELOVED”  or any other positive word that you are in Christ. I did it so, and here is mine:
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I used to be alone and rejected, I also used to be bipolar, but now I'm beloved.

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I hope it doesn’t sound or seem as if I were being too hard on myself. It is just that loneliness someway has been like a characteristic in my life (starting with school as I said in a previous post) and it is not about thinking something like “Oh God, I’m alone in the world, I’m gonna die”, it is something that goes beyond like on my essence? I don’t know, it is hard to explain but I have friends, of course, and things are way much better now at least in this subject, seriously, thank You, God.

Now about being bipolar… well I do have some psychiatric history on that and I don’t like to talk much about it. I’ve been interned twice and I’m on meds now but last Saturday I started a psycho-therapeutic process (with a psychologist) that will help me to leave in the future everything related with psychiatry. However I don’t really believe my diagnosis, and anyway I just wanna say this:

“I’m beloved, and just because of that, what I don’t like in my life is gonna change”… I’M NOT BIPOLAR, I’M GOD’S BELOVED and that’s all what matters.

Now, if you wanna check The Remind Me Project Facebook page go ahead and join the cause.

God’s glory

Posted: 17 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

It is clear by now, if you have read my previous posts, that I’m 100% free of time. The reasons I’m not gonna repeat them. Now the question is what I’ve been doing with apparently having nothing to do? Well yeah as usual I spend most of my time on the computer, but not wasting it, not really. I have spirit of investigative journalist, I’m dying to do that kind of journalism, and beyond that, I really like to do some research, not only online but to contact your sources.

Anyway I’m going though the branches. My point is that no matter what the topic is, if I like it or if I’m interested, I’m curious and I like to search for information. That’s pretty much what I’ve spent mi time in, like about 80% or 90% of this week. The subject? correct: God.

Last week I discovered that Kindle for Android was available, and I downloaded 7 books, actually 6 because I got one in English and in Spanish, to further reference, check this post. Or don’t go to it if you don’t want to cause still I’ll talk about it a little bit. It is called “Done. What most religions don’t tell you about the Bible” by Cary Schmidt. I finished reading it last Monday and it has key points about God and how we usually get wrong what the Bible says or ignore the true message. In that post I shared a part that the book says and I think is key, now I wanna summarize the whole message: it says we don’t have to do things to save ourselves for the sins we have committed because Jesus already payed for that. Everything is done and there’s nothing else to do.

After finishing the reading of that book I started with another one I had downloaded, I don’t recall its name and it is not much what I’ve advanced though I liked it and it’s really interesting, also has to do with God but it is like a novel. However the reason why I stopped with that book, or paused, was because a friend handed to me another book called “Entre tú y yo. Cartas a un periodista” = “Between you and me. Letters to a journalist” (that’s how I’m translating the name, maybe if its English version exists, it is not exactly called like that, I don’t know). This book it is not about journalism but the letters of the author were written to a journalist that wanted to know about the Christian life because that was the topic of his thesis. So in every reply of the author to this journalist there’s something interesting, it is not a book that make you think or say “wow!” but is good, I’m reading it but with no rush.

I’ve also been writing here with a remarkable record of posts after I created this blog last Monday, and yes I also have been out of home to do other stuff, like attend to a program to get my weight lower, and going to my university to ask about the options for my internship. Now it is here when I have something to say. My inner self told me I had to pray God to ask Him for an internship to do it this semester, I don’t want to spend six or months or so doing nothing, that idea sucks and scares, also because you get your parents pushing you to do something with your life. That hasn’t happened yet but eventually will happen I guess… considering the time I spend on the computer. I also thought that if God wanted me to use this semester for something else, then he will show me the path and lead. However, though I thought all these, I didn’t actually pray, I didn’t actually talk to God and yet he listened my thoughts. Before telling exactly what I talking about, I wanna make a parenthesis here.

This morning a classmate talked to me on Fb chat and asked me if I knew the graduation dates for this year. I told her I didn’t knew but I had in my school bag a paper from Campus (the weekly University newspaper) in which those dates appeared. I took a look at it to give her the info and also to know it myself and I realized of something: August 28th is one of the graduation dates. If you are lost let me explain: that day is my father’s birthday and would be an excellent birthday gift to him. Maybe I did pray this morning, I have no rush in getting and internship nor getting graduated but I really would like to be among the people who receive their title on August 28th, it is really important and meaningful, I want it to be my dad’s birthday present, it is a wish from the bottom of my heart and I prayed almost begged to God for that (even with tears in my face). I remember it and my eyes get a little wet again right now.

Now I guess this is a response to that praying.  A couple of hours ago Ricardo Galán (he is the creator of a journalistic website here and he has published a few notes of mine) called me to my cellphone. He told me what I already knew because Victor (the teacher that is in charge of the journalism area of the Faculty) told me in a Twitter DM: That they spoke on the phone in the morning and that Ricardo agreed to send Victor a letter explaining what will be my functions for my internship with him at his new web site “Bogota D.C.”. Yes, seems to be I got a new internship. Ricardo told me he was writing the letter and he will send it to me when he finished it, like a draft so I check it first and tell him if I agree with what it says. He already sent it to me and I already replied. He is going to send it to Victor tomorrow.

I’m speechless… God is so big and powerful, thank you my Lord.

Take off your gloves

Posted: 16 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

My life through high school was a little bit rough, basically because I had no friends, you know “rejected”. In one of our pastoral retreats I met a guy (Edwin, he was a Lasallian brother, younger than the rest I knew) with that kind of personality that somehow casts your attention. I added him then on messenger and I started to trust him and tell him my stuff. All what I remember from that is the sentence that goes in the name of this post. I used to be in a defensive position and he told me several times: “take off your gloves”.

I think that through life I’ve learned to chill out and to do just like Edwin told me: “take off my gloves”. I can’t say I’m 100% different to what I used to be back then, maybe I just put my fists down (they were pointing at people) and raised them up towards my parents. Yeah… because my defensive attitude has been towards them, don’t know exactly since when, and though it is not constant, is there.

It is there when I feel they’re being invasive with my privacy, like my writings (thing that happened yesterday or the day before yesterday) when my mom ended up “accidentally” reading something I had wrote. I don’t have secrets, it’s just that I’m everything in my writings… I’m so opened and honest in them, is there when I’m vulnerable and is there where no one can pass unless I allow him or her to do it (sharing the link to one of my writings on blogger or a Word file by email or Facebook inbox).

Is there, when I think… ok this mostly has to do with my mom, who is the one that actually is in charge of the authority around this house at least with me (btw I’m unique daughter). Anyway is there when I think she pretends to put some rules upon me that I think is pretty late to do it (come on I’m 22). Like pretending to avoid that I go to sleep really late at night (thing I like and she can’t change) or hiding from me my tech stuff like the tablet or my cellphone, (pretty silly and unfair, seriously I’m behaving well, lately at least and this happens not for punishment on my rudeness or bad behavior but because I stay awake til late wasting my time with it).

Sometimes for obeying the rule about the time to turn the computer off and when I didn’t have the tablet or when my mom hid it from me, some ideas and feelings dying to be written ended up on a piece of paper written with pen, or in best of cases in a note in the cellphone. Others I just had TV and/or a book I like and haven’t finished since I got it in August. Whatever I do I just go late to sleep, that’s not gonna change so far, I like it. And if maybe you are worried or wondering if I’m getting enough hours of sleep, yes I’m, I go late to bed just as I get up late. No problem on that.

If the tablet has had something to do with me going late to bed it is because I’ve been reading mostly, kindle books, come one, if printed book are not a crime (allowed) why should e-books be? Seriously I’m having a better self-regulation on the tablet use (turning it off at 12 am, that’s early compared to what I used to) though still I’ve been hiding it from my mom, to avoid she takes it away from me again.

And is there (that defensive attitude or alert state) when I feel they trying to check in a direct or indirect way if I’m taking the medicine or anything related to that subject. My mom has told me a lot of times she is not my enemy and I’ve never seen her that way, though maybe seems to be the opposite with my attitudes. Now I get it.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I got my tablet back and today I almost lost it again, my mom hid it but I managed so that she gave it back to me. Conditions? sure, of course, basically I can’t hide it anymore and I must leave it out of my bedroom at night in a place my mom can see it (my desk). I can’t do nothing but accept it, however all this I’ve written goes beyond. I have to trust her. I have to stop thinking she will hide any of my tech stuff again and of course I must not give her reasons to do it. I have to takeoff my gloves, I need to relax on my relationship with my parents. I’ll be a better daughter and I don’t want to hear my mom telling me again she’s not my enemy. Words are powerful even if sometimes you pretend not to pay attention to them, regardless who they come from, though, in this case, it matters, she is my mom.

THIS IS GOOD TO KNOW…

Posted: 14 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

I do not have a Kindle, at least not one of those used only to read this kind of books, but I do have something similar. I discovered that Kindle for Android was available and I downloaded 7 free books. One of them is called ‘Done. What most religions don’t tell you about the Bible’ by Cary Schmidt (he is a man, not a woman). I found it in Spanish but also downloaded the original English version because at least twice I couldn’t follow the translation or what it meant.

Last night I finished reading it and I just wanna share a part of it that I think is importat for what it says:

Second Corinthians 5 :17 says. “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new”.

You are now “alive” in God’s sight -whereas before you were spiritually dead. This means you have the capacity, by God’s grace in your heart, to experience a personal relationship with Got on a daily basis. This is the close relationship He has always wanted with you, and it will lead to all kinds of internal changes (for the better) in your life! You now have the capacity to truly change for the better by God’s power. God will grow you and change you from within if you let Him.

A perfect weekend

Posted: 13 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

(This writing has God involved but is more like a “dear diary” post about last weekend, sorry about that, still you are welcome to read)

Last weekend (feb 11th-12th) was perfect, seriously, thank You, my Lord. This is why I’ll write telling every detail what I did and why it was so important. Last Saturday I went to Paraíso (it means Paradise in Spanish and is the name of a very poor neighborhood in Bogota, where YFC social work is located). They always go there on Saturdays at 8Am and this was like the third or fourth time I went though it was the first one in which I really felt I was doing something important.

It was so funny to have brought a pastoral dynamic (though seemed to be they already knew it but with a different way to sing it): “sígala, sígala pirin pin pin”…  I can’t translate (well, ‘sígala’ = follow it) but it’s a game in which you have to repeat that over and over again and you do a movement while singing it, when you repeat the song, you change of movement and the person to your left or right starts to do the movement you were doing previously. It requires a lot of concentration and we failed in the attempt of teaching it to the kids… Seeing the pictures of that moment makes me laugh.

After that I had the inconvenient with Jessica, I wanted to help her and so I did, but I didn’t realized that is Mafe and other volunteers the ones who are in charge of her since she belongs to the youngest kids group, so when she disappeared because she needed to change her clothes and I went with her to her house, they got worried about her. I was called the attention for this, but anyway I care more about the fact of helping her and of course it won’t happen again.

And at the end I end up playing soccer… I think that (if possible) I’ll be changing from one Saturday to another between the “middle kids” (in age) with whom I usually work and playing soccer with the big ones. I like kids and that’s why I’m there, but I also like soccer and is cool to play with the oldest of the group, one way or another I’m a frustrated sportswoman and I’ve always wanted to improve my physical condition.

I said I’ll be home at 2 o’clock in the afternoon and I couldn’t have made a more exact calculation, at that time I was getting off the bus station that is across the street from where I live. I had lunch and the lady that gets our nails done was here, I got my fingernails and toenails done but without varnish, otherwise I wouldn’t have make it to “El Parche” (4 o’clock). She left like a quarter to 4 o’clock and it was then when I talked to my parents about the email I had sent to my mom telling her what I would like to do with Ricardo as an alternative option to leave in a future all related to psychiatry and the medicine. They support me.

One of the contacts my mom has at where I used to work (she worked there long time ago), told her about the connivance issues I also had at my internship, at least she was told about the problem with music and singing volume. I had to handle this and to neutralize that information because my father was already saying that this had been the real reason to be fired, which is not true. They didn’t know for my mouth nor they will know about the email I got about “Connivance Rules” with specific stuff about me. My mom was told about the music and that I didn’t care about it, but I told her she didn’t know how they told me that nor she can’t say I didn’t care cause that was unfair. Anyway still it was a fruitful conversation.

In “El parche” there was a worship song that for what it says and what I lived last week, it really touched me because is true what it says and I lived: in spite of difficulties God was with me, because of Him, as I wrote on a Fb status, the problem passed by almost as if it were just one more day in my life. I don’t know any the songs that we sing in “El Parche” unless they have been sung before, but the lyrics are always projected with video beam and this one I sang it with all my strengths until I broke (some tears on my face).

What I lived last Monday (not this week but last week), the way I confront it, and the teachings I took from it,  was something I wanted to share in “El Parche”. Because of that, that very same Monday at night, I sent Fercho an email asking him for a space on Saturday to share with everyone what had happened, and he answered me I could do it after Fabian’s 5 minutes of Glory (there’s always 5 minutes in which is someone’s turn to share something of his life or talk about something important related with God). Fabian didn’t arrive on time and it was perfect for me… The previous writing about the Silverlight, I shared it with them in a more summarized  and concrete way with a couple of PPT slides, adding besides a verse that I found on Tuesday or Wednesday because a friend and namesake also from YFC, shared and image on Facebook with key Bible verses and I found the one I needed, it was perfect: “When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him”. Psalms 91 : 15.

“El parche” finished around 6 o’clock in the afternoon and I went to the cinema with Nathy. When I saw Courageous alone, I recommended it to her and she asked me to watch it again with her, so that’s what I did. She also cried several times watching the movie, just like I did the first time I saw it, this time I just felt touched a little bit when the father makes the dance alone and ask God to tell her daughter he did his part of the dance. Saturday finished.

Yesterday I went to the ciclovía on my bike (‘ciclovía’ is something that my city -Bogota- has on Sundays, some main streets becomes only for bicycles and people who want to skate, walk or go out with their dogs), but before that, while I was having breakfast, I remembered the song, I Google it and download it on mp3, I passed it to my cellphone and I put it in repeat mode all my way riding my bike. It was curious that the group that composed or sings that song (now I’m not sure because it exists in English as well, and the credit is given to someone else) is named just like my favorite color: “Grupo Rojo” = “Red Band”… I’m crazy about this color since I remember. Anyway I did a really long trail in my bike and on my way back home I passed by the cinema to buy 2 tickets for Courageous again.

Tomorrow is my best friend birthday but we celebrated it yesterday (just to clarify, he is a guy, in Spanish female and male nouns usually differ by its last vowel, in English that doesn’t happen and right now I wonder if culturally it’s ok to have a best friend from the opposite sex, anyway, he, Tavo, is my best friend). I had lunch with my parents and then bought the cake, we came back to our building and I met with Sergio, we both went in his car to Tavo’s house, there were already Andrés, Valentina, Santiago, and of course Silvia (Tavo’s girlfriend), and Tavo. Edgar arrived and we cut the cake. Then we went to play paintball though because of weather and traffic we arrived a little bit late when it was about to get dark, but we play all what we can and it was really cool. Meanwhile, my parents were watching Courageous, the tickets I bought were for them. My friends and me gave our stuff to the lady of the paintball place so she keep them while we playing, and I put my cellphone in silence. My mom sent me a message through BBM saying “We just went out from the cinema, what an excellent movie though it made me cry”.  My dad called me just when we were out of the game and my purse was handed to me when I saw my cellphone shining, it was my dad and I answered before the call go to voice message. He also said the movie was excellent.

We came back to Bogota (most of paintball places are out of the city, just a few kilometers far),  again traffic in the 7th Avenue and we stopped to eat cobs, some with soda, other with ‘agua de panela’ a traditional drink for cold of my country. Santiago took Valentina to her house and then he left to his. The rest of us went to Tavo’s house again and there Carlos joined us. We had some snacks and they had some beers (I don’t cause I don’t like it, I do like to drink once in a while but sweet drinks, please don’t lecture me about it). Carlos was the first one leaving, then Edgar and finally Sergio, Andrés and me. I arrived home around 11 o’clock.

For all these, it was an excellent weekend, I think the best one of my life, just thank you my Lord.

No me soltarás (Grupo Rojo) You never let go (Matt Redman)
 Aunque yo esté
en el valle de la muerte y dolor
tu amor me quita todo temor…y si llego a estar en el centro de la tempestad,
no dudaré,porque estás aqui.Y no temeré del mal
pues mi Dios conmigo está
y si Dios conmigo está
de quién temeré?No,no me soltarás
en la calma o la tormenta
No,no me soltarás
en lo alto, en lo bajo
No,no me soltarás
Dios nunca me dejarás.Puedo ver la luz
que se acerca
al que busca de ti,
glorioso Dios.Y terminarán los problemas y mientras llega el fin
viviremos conociéndote a tiY no temeré del mal
pues mi Dios conmigo esta,
y si Dios conmigo está
de quién temeré?No,no me soltarás
en la calma o la tormenta
No,no me soltarás
en lo alto, en lo bajo
No,no me soltarás
Dios nunca me dejarás.Puedo ver la luz
que se acerca
al que busca de ti
y terminarán los problemas.Mientras llega el fin
voy a alabarte,
voy a alabarte solo a ti.

Y puedo ver la luz que se acerca
al que busca de ti
y terminaran los problemas.

Mientras llega el fin
voy a alabarte…

No,no me soltarás
en la calma o la tormenta
No,no me soltarás
en lo alto, en lo bajo
No,no me soltarás
Dios nunca me dejarás.

 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back I know you are nearAnd I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of meAnd I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth(Chorus)Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You(Chorus 2x’s)e

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Healing…

Posted: 10 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

That’s the key word and it’s been long time ago… Each time I think, talk or write about this subject, that word (“healing”) seems to shine with its own reflectors though I not always see it. My first referent about it is my godfather, the first time I started to think I didn’t want this to affect me anymore I talked to him and the word I was using was “sanitate” and he told me that the correct and important word wasn’t sanitate but healing, and he gave me a short and wise explanation about it.

A few days later I met with Frank because I wanted to say hello to him and we had finally agreed on a day to do so. I also told him what I told my godfather and he said that there are some things that you lived and you get upset or feel anger when you remember them because they hurt, but it’s normal, you can’t do anything towards that despite the fact of moving on with your life, you will always feel that way when you remember them. I thought he was right and this reason plus the fact of not having money to pay on my own without telling my parents the expenses implied on the decision of starting a psychological process with Ricardo, made me drop it, forget it.

… I wish I could remember every single thing (reflections) Fercho tells us in ‘El Parche’ (YFC Saturday’s meetings), but sadly, human memory is selective and/or its capacity is limited. Some Saturdays ago he talked us about scars, the physical ones first, to them make the analogy with the ones of the soul, I don’t remember exactly what he said but it’s easy to suppose. In fact, I wrote this in Facebook and after that I remember Fercho had talked us about it before:

“‘You do heal but you are never the same’ Courageous… rough stuff always leave a scar and you have to learn to live with it… But finding the way to heal is the real hard part. I know WHO is the answer but HOW is the issue…”

What is in single quotation marks is from the movie Courageous, a Christian movie that leaves you speechless. The rest is something I added based on a specific thing of my life. The only one who has that healing power is God, but the healing process is up to each human being and I really don’t know how to find mine. One thing is willing to start the psychological process with Ricardo (this time telling my parents about it) to leave definitely in a future the silly and so-called psychiatric controls as well as the medicine and finding that inner peace.

Though I will give him and his method a vote of confidence, I believe that keep holding God’s hand is important and I would like to find in my relationship with Him the real way to heal without devalue what Ricardo does. Starting, for instance, with the infinite hatred I feel regarding this topic, the damage that it makes to me that feeling and the bad way I react with my parents when they want to talk about it, from something as silly as the fact of taking the medicine or not. Only God can help us with the negative feelings in our life, that in the end they are nothing but toxic.

Lord, my God, this situation can’t inspire nothing but hatred in me, I know this is not good but I either can’t nor wanna embrace it. I ask you, my Lord to help me to “digest” or to handle this feeling because it is not good for me nor for my life. Because of that hatred that I feel, in some occasions I react badly towards my parents and they don’t deserve my rudeness, I owe them respect.

The Silverlight

Posted: 6 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

I’m not music lover nor movie buff, I’m the most ignorant person on Earth in those two subjects. All I know about Lady Gaga is that she is a singer with crazy outfit. All I know about Michael Jackson is that he was black and became white, that he was the opening news once in a while because he was the star of scandals about children’s sexual harassment and that he died on June-July 2010. I started to listen and downloaded just one song of him a couple of weeks ago: Smooth Criminal, because it was sung in Glee and I found it catchy.

It is pretty much the same case in movies but, though I’m not music lover nor movie buff, I like to focus on small details that are meaningful to me like specific scenes of some movies with a key message. That’s the case of the first High School Musical movie, when Troy and Gabriella talk in the roof (audio in Spanish, caption in English, if you can’t see it, click the CC button):

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Another clip that totally got me was this one from Sky High:

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But the clip that came to my mind today and is the reason of the title of this post, comes from Stuart Little 2, in the Spanish version of the movie they say “Rainbow” instead of Silverlight… I still don’t get the Spanish literal translation for Silverlight, but Rainbow (“Arcoiris”). Works perfect.

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Anyway, there’s no better teaching than that, that it totally applies to my y life and to what happened today. Besides, it is not about one rainbow but many… The first and most important are my friends, Cata and Nathy… is different, is special… My friends from the neighborhood (I grew up with them and friendship still remains) worth gold, but they are men, mostly, I have few women friends… It was like the patron (the fact of not having them) after what happened with Vicky… There was also Olga but I screwed that up. Besides it wasn’t really a friendship but an unhealthy relationship from my part.

Laura is my best friend from school, I love her and appreciate her but I met her in our senior year, we didn’t really built a friendship and different lives and career didn’t allow either that this happened.

In other words, I think my experience in friendship with women has no more than 5 or 10% (ok, 20% at the most) of advantage to my love experience which is really short almost nothing. And it was so nice that I told Cata and Naty what had just happened and they told me at once: “let’s meet right now in X place and talk”, that worth a lot to me, it was something very significant. It’s been a while since seemed to be we were going to see the three of us to hang out and it finally happened though not for the best reason but it was that what made it so special. They came to me when I needed it the most.

I put this in the Lord’s hands, I was expecting me to do it better at work, I knew I was hanging by a thread and though I promised myself to make a better effort, I also told Him that He knew how he does his things and that because of that I let Him handle the situation. We both knew I wasn’t happy at my internship and though the solution implied a brutal shock, He made it happen… Today the faculty told me that at El Tiempo (where I was working), they had decided to finish my internship agreement…

It’s hard not to be altered by a news like this… I freaked out, there are no more perfect words that describe how I felt: “I freaked out”.  What it scared me and worries me the most was having to tell that to my parents… I have to work in my relationship with them, I don’t trust them my stuff not because they don’t deserve it, of course they deserve it, they are my parents, but I’m unique child and I have 200% of their attention focused in me. Besides, I have a past memory that doesn’t help either, maybe I should let it go.

I don’t trust them either because their preoccupation for  my health and psychiatric history really annoys me. It doesn’t have a reason to be, I mean it’s ok that they worry, but the reason is a damn lie they believe in. I have many fears to trust, and maybe obsolete, expired reasons that don’t allow me to realize that they are for love me and support me, not to judge me, as they demonstrated it today. I think this is rainbow # 2 and it comes with a message: I need to work in my relationship with my parents.

Sonia (the person in charge of managing students internships) called me today at 11 am almost 12 I think, and while I was having lunch (though I didn’t really do it, I had no appetite because of the situation), my godfather called me back because after hanging up with Sonia, I called him. Since she told me to go to university and meet her at 4 o’clock, I was plenty of time to see my godfather before that he had time, but he didn’t and we agreed to see each other on Wednesday… However, it was him the first person that crossed my mind after what Sonia told me, him and a desperate desire of seeing him, pretty much like when I lost control of my life in 2009, except that this time I wasn’t and I’m not wrong, I mean my mind is fine, I just got altered by the situation. I wanted to talk first with him to think well what I was going to tell my parents… but he remained in his decision of seeing each other on Wednesday and it was obvious that nor this problem nor my silence could last that long.

Finally I realized that the best way to tell them was separately, and I that idea came to my mind while I was on my way back to Bogota (I studied out of the city, in Chia, like 20 minutes by bus)  to meet Cata and Nathy… when I was with them I told my mom through BBM to meet me at Bulevar (a mall close to where we live) and so she did.  I told her everything there and then she told it to my dad, then the three of us talked and it was fine, they support me. Definitely I overreacted about how they were going to take it but it was because I was so scared.

What gonna happen with me now? Well, the faculty backs me up 100%, thanks God I have a good academic record not because of my grades but because I’m a good student, I’m good at what I do and I like = journalism, written press, they know me at the faculty. What happened didn’t happen for being neglected and despite all it was good or convenient because I wasn’t writing and that’s what passionate me.  I like technology, or more than that, social networking, I’m also a little bit empirical with Adobe programs, but that’s all, my passion is NOT there nor I want this like to take me to do mechanical stuff like the ones I was doing at my internship. I know you can’t be so demanding when you are starting and though my job wasn’t connected with my passion, I didn’t do it reluctantly, and any way, that’s they way things happened.

Is hard, but I’m fine, this is something that shocks you but God knows how he do his things and rejoicing in Him give me tranquility. Better things will come that connect with my passion and talent.