Posted: 10 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

That’s the key word and it’s been long time ago… Each time I think, talk or write about this subject, that word (“healing”) seems to shine with its own reflectors though I not always see it. My first referent about it is my godfather, the first time I started to think I didn’t want this to affect me anymore I talked to him and the word I was using was “sanitate” and he told me that the correct and important word wasn’t sanitate but healing, and he gave me a short and wise explanation about it.

A few days later I met with Frank because I wanted to say hello to him and we had finally agreed on a day to do so. I also told him what I told my godfather and he said that there are some things that you lived and you get upset or feel anger when you remember them because they hurt, but it’s normal, you can’t do anything towards that despite the fact of moving on with your life, you will always feel that way when you remember them. I thought he was right and this reason plus the fact of not having money to pay on my own without telling my parents the expenses implied on the decision of starting a psychological process with Ricardo, made me drop it, forget it.

… I wish I could remember every single thing (reflections) Fercho tells us in ‘El Parche’ (YFC Saturday’s meetings), but sadly, human memory is selective and/or its capacity is limited. Some Saturdays ago he talked us about scars, the physical ones first, to them make the analogy with the ones of the soul, I don’t remember exactly what he said but it’s easy to suppose. In fact, I wrote this in Facebook and after that I remember Fercho had talked us about it before:

“‘You do heal but you are never the same’ Courageous… rough stuff always leave a scar and you have to learn to live with it… But finding the way to heal is the real hard part. I know WHO is the answer but HOW is the issue…”

What is in single quotation marks is from the movie Courageous, a Christian movie that leaves you speechless. The rest is something I added based on a specific thing of my life. The only one who has that healing power is God, but the healing process is up to each human being and I really don’t know how to find mine. One thing is willing to start the psychological process with Ricardo (this time telling my parents about it) to leave definitely in a future the silly and so-called psychiatric controls as well as the medicine and finding that inner peace.

Though I will give him and his method a vote of confidence, I believe that keep holding God’s hand is important and I would like to find in my relationship with Him the real way to heal without devalue what Ricardo does. Starting, for instance, with the infinite hatred I feel regarding this topic, the damage that it makes to me that feeling and the bad way I react with my parents when they want to talk about it, from something as silly as the fact of taking the medicine or not. Only God can help us with the negative feelings in our life, that in the end they are nothing but toxic.

Lord, my God, this situation can’t inspire nothing but hatred in me, I know this is not good but I either can’t nor wanna embrace it. I ask you, my Lord to help me to “digest” or to handle this feeling because it is not good for me nor for my life. Because of that hatred that I feel, in some occasions I react badly towards my parents and they don’t deserve my rudeness, I owe them respect.


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