Take off your gloves

Posted: 16 de February de 2012 in Sin categoría

My life through high school was a little bit rough, basically because I had no friends, you know “rejected”. In one of our pastoral retreats I met a guy (Edwin, he was a Lasallian brother, younger than the rest I knew) with that kind of personality that somehow casts your attention. I added him then on messenger and I started to trust him and tell him my stuff. All what I remember from that is the sentence that goes in the name of this post. I used to be in a defensive position and he told me several times: “take off your gloves”.

I think that through life I’ve learned to chill out and to do just like Edwin told me: “take off my gloves”. I can’t say I’m 100% different to what I used to be back then, maybe I just put my fists down (they were pointing at people) and raised them up towards my parents. Yeah… because my defensive attitude has been towards them, don’t know exactly since when, and though it is not constant, is there.

It is there when I feel they’re being invasive with my privacy, like my writings (thing that happened yesterday or the day before yesterday) when my mom ended up “accidentally” reading something I had wrote. I don’t have secrets, it’s just that I’m everything in my writings… I’m so opened and honest in them, is there when I’m vulnerable and is there where no one can pass unless I allow him or her to do it (sharing the link to one of my writings on blogger or a Word file by email or Facebook inbox).

Is there, when I think… ok this mostly has to do with my mom, who is the one that actually is in charge of the authority around this house at least with me (btw I’m unique daughter). Anyway is there when I think she pretends to put some rules upon me that I think is pretty late to do it (come on I’m 22). Like pretending to avoid that I go to sleep really late at night (thing I like and she can’t change) or hiding from me my tech stuff like the tablet or my cellphone, (pretty silly and unfair, seriously I’m behaving well, lately at least and this happens not for punishment on my rudeness or bad behavior but because I stay awake til late wasting my time with it).

Sometimes for obeying the rule about the time to turn the computer off and when I didn’t have the tablet or when my mom hid it from me, some ideas and feelings dying to be written ended up on a piece of paper written with pen, or in best of cases in a note in the cellphone. Others I just had TV and/or a book I like and haven’t finished since I got it in August. Whatever I do I just go late to sleep, that’s not gonna change so far, I like it. And if maybe you are worried or wondering if I’m getting enough hours of sleep, yes I’m, I go late to bed just as I get up late. No problem on that.

If the tablet has had something to do with me going late to bed it is because I’ve been reading mostly, kindle books, come one, if printed book are not a crime (allowed) why should e-books be? Seriously I’m having a better self-regulation on the tablet use (turning it off at 12 am, that’s early compared to what I used to) though still I’ve been hiding it from my mom, to avoid she takes it away from me again.

And is there (that defensive attitude or alert state) when I feel they trying to check in a direct or indirect way if I’m taking the medicine or anything related to that subject. My mom has told me a lot of times she is not my enemy and I’ve never seen her that way, though maybe seems to be the opposite with my attitudes. Now I get it.

It’s been exactly two weeks since I got my tablet back and today I almost lost it again, my mom hid it but I managed so that she gave it back to me. Conditions? sure, of course, basically I can’t hide it anymore and I must leave it out of my bedroom at night in a place my mom can see it (my desk). I can’t do nothing but accept it, however all this I’ve written goes beyond. I have to trust her. I have to stop thinking she will hide any of my tech stuff again and of course I must not give her reasons to do it. I have to takeoff my gloves, I need to relax on my relationship with my parents. I’ll be a better daughter and I don’t want to hear my mom telling me again she’s not my enemy. Words are powerful even if sometimes you pretend not to pay attention to them, regardless who they come from, though, in this case, it matters, she is my mom.

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