Strong doubts…

Posted: 22 de June de 2012 in Sin categoría

(In this post I share a lot of my life and you may get lost or think something like “but aren’t you supposed to talk about your relationship with God in this blog and not just yourself?”, well yeah, but everything is connected, please continue reading and you’ll understand).

I will never doubt of my faith in God, but right now I’m having doubts on what does He want from me. Sometimes what we study has to do with God’s purpose while others it has nothing to do with it, then is our choice to go in God’s direction turning our back to what we studied or if we choose to serve to God’s purpose as well as developing a career in what we studied. Maybe we feel God doesn’t want us to turn away from what we like and make us happy but He also wants us to work for Him, why not? we can do both.

My whole live I’ve liked to think a lot and write down most of the stuff I think, just like I’m doing right now. Is like I’m looking for something but I really don’t know what, I guess I’m trying to fit in the world, to feel I’m doing something important, that’s worth for it, to find a real meaning for my life. I know writing is my life, and I know journalism is the path I chose and what I studied for, I know I enjoy putting all my efforts to contact a source (person) and the harder the better, is like a challenge I like to take until I get the interview, I have really good skills to do that, to contact sources, I guess is one of the things I enjoy the most from my career. And I know I have a thirst of true so that I would like to work in investigative journalism that could be from scandals of politics (though I hate them) and stuff related to that, like investigating, looking not only for information but also for clues like a detective or a policeman, (I also have a taste for that), or just to have some interest for life stories which means getting to know as deep as possible the person you are going to write about and to get the interesting story that it worth to tell.

But where is God in that? if He isn’t there shouldn’t I do it? but if is my passion? Is it? Seriously? Then explain me why you (me) dropped your internship, your second chance, you acted as if you didn’t care and now  you are going to be called to Faculty Commission, that doesn’t sound very nice. Though the cases are different, it is the second time you fail and now everything is more serious, shouldn’t you be like to the verge of a nervous breakdown? You are worried but not enough to get to that point… somehow my God gives me a little bit of peace, maybe I don’t deserve it but He is really big and merciful. You are aware of the dimension of the problem as the consequence of your acts and since you are able to assume it and recognize it, you have some tranquility about it. Well yeah it was a mistake but don’t tell me journalism is not my passion,  I lost interest in this second chance, I didn’t expected to have it so easy or to be able to manage my time however I wanted, I chose to be lazy and to use my time in other stuff like writing on my blog (the one of blogger, mostly in Spanish) about the stuff I think about my life which also has to do with my Saturday’s sessions with my psychologist, so either I write on my blog or I send him and email with my thoughts. I also inverted some of my time reading about God and like 15% of my time was invested (or wasted) in stuff I can not say. I cared more about fixing my life, than to work on my internship, that can’t be and excuse but is sort of what happened, it is not just to think but to feel and to change, to improve in the areas that are difficult and need to work better. So if I dropped my internship is not cause journalism is not my passion.

When I was younger, in the school my dream was to travel all around the world knowing cultures, helping people and to put the name of my country (Colombia) high for what I’ve done. I sort of forgot that dream, but I’m still very patriotic. I don’t know, I guess I feel a little nostalgic about that dream now. Helping people is like one of the things I’ve always wanted to do but I’ve never done, it was the reason I chose communication for development as my emphasis at University. The thing is that I focused on my wish of being a journalist (my faculty asks us to choose and emphasis in communication and an emphasis in journalism) and you know memory is selective, well I don’t remember many things I learned on communication for development.

Another thing that is key for me is English, I really love it as my second language and my wish right now is to be able to use it in an academic context, to study something abroad in English related with my career, postgraduate studies. And is here, in the use of English, were God appears again, sorry if you got lost while you were reading all this (thanks for taking the time btw). Is great to see that thanks to my knowledge of this language I was able to contact to a church from US (Crossroads Kids’ Club from Crossroads Church) and to work together in the translation of an animated video for kids about the parable of the prodigal son. A friend of mine supported me with the idea and we recorded his voice (the narration of the video in Spanish, I translated the script they sent me by email) at the radio studio from his university, we sent it to the people from Crossroads and they made all the editing. It was really great to see the result of this working together. The next steps are to show it at the Youth Group on Saturday (next week, cause the “agenda” for this Saturday is already set) and then to show it to the kids from the social work we have, which is the real purpose of this. Crossroads Kids’ Club have like 5 more animated videos on their Vimeo channel, and I would like to keep working together with them and translate them all, of course with the support of my church.

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This point is weird, I’m still Catholic, I have no plans to convert, but day by day I feel I truly belong to YFC, which I really like it and though I’m not going to their Sunday service nor to any other (evangelical) I have to speak as if I were part of it (“my church”) just as a formality when it comes to do this kind of stuff to make it easy to work together with people from abroad.

On the other hand there’s a girl from YFC who arrived some weeks ago from Argentina, she actually was traveling all across South America, volunteering fro YFC and she now has the mission to translate and re-make in a Latin context the videos of an evangelism program called 3Story so she want us all to participate in re-making the videos. Well I’ll be helping in adjusting the scripts, they are already translated, Mayra (the girl) did it but for now is just literal translation and I’ll be helping her to adjust them to our context, grammar or whatever. I also got a role on of the videos, is short but I’m happy to do it.

This night (a couple of hours ago) I felt like a call (or “the call”?) from God. I felt that my mission is to work for His purpose breaking barriers of language, using my English to spread his message, like to help communication within English and Spanish speakers, sharing material or life experiences to spread God’s message, and that what I did with the video of the prodigal son was just the beginning. Then I also thought “so are You challenging me?” yeah maybe He is because I have to say that I’m not looking forward to make people convert or believe, at least not if they are atheist, like a friend of mine. He is so convinced of his reasons not to believe and fight about them or despises the arguments of faith that I’m like “fine whatever, believe what you want and let me believe what I believe”. I prefer to respect people believing no matter what they are than to argue in favor of God, I don’t want others to try to set me apart of Him (to forget my faith), why should I try to make them closer to Him if they don’t want to? It is different when someone who believe in Him, though maybe he is not really close, is struggling and then is easy to help that person get closer and feel better…

I really feel God wants me to work for Him this way but not to put 100% of my time to it, I must graduate, get an internship and fulfilled perfectly. Then we’ll see…

(Editing):

One more thing  I forgot to tell is about Lasallian Volunteer Missionary (VML for its abbreviation in Spanish). The first version of it was released (or launched?) when I was starting my career, doing my first semester at University, and I really wanted to participate on this but my parents got alarmed by the idea. I had just started to study after dropping my unique failed semester of medicine and now I wanted to jump to a poor area of my country to help people? Yeah, right, study goes first, my parents said. However I’ve always had this wish inside my heart, I want it to do it someday I still feel connected to De La Salle and I really want to participate in this Volunteer.

So now, when I ruined my present by dropping my internship, now when I’m about to face the Faculty Commission, Volunteer could be a good option. I know that if I say it that way sounds like “oh right, the perfect plan to escape from reality”, that is like the self-questioning that stops me from making the decision, that and the fact that is not something you decide in the blink of an eye, you have to think it carefully. But I also think about it, because… I don’t know, my problems in life have been like the psychiatric issue and the feeling of loneliness, suppress that and you get the most pink happy story you can imagine. I’ve had all the commodities, a housemaid who lives with us and in in charge of all the housekeeping and cooking, I don’t even have to make my bed except for Sundays, I can’t cook and the unique duty I help with on Sundays when she rests, is washing the dishes. I’ve never had to work cause my father supports me and gives me everything so yeah, my life has been pretty easy, I can’t complain. I may be comfortable but in my conscience I kind of got tired of it, I think I need something to shake me up, to make me appreciate what I have or what it takes to get things instead of having them so easy. I think that volunteering for VML would be a perfect shaking and also an opportunity to walk deeper in God’s path, to learn, to listen and to know better what he wants for me.

Everything is just doubts for now…

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