Archive for September, 2012

And that tough topic keeps going…

Posted: 8 de September de 2012 in Sin categoría

(Translated from my blog in Spanish, publishing date modified to the original post)

Today, for the first time ever, we talked about the possibility of putting my dog to sleep… we agreed to do it next Saturday. I know he must leave, is more than fair, 15 years in a dog can only be deserving of an eternal rest and I thank God for all these years He allowed me to have with him. I would like to ask You, Lord not to put that decision in our hands, apparently we already took the decision, You know, day by day the situation of his heart and lungs, that in addition to the tumors in his throat not only makes it hard to breath but also to eat. Despite everything I thank You because he looks fine, he doesn’t look gaunt, and how nice for him to rest like that, looking good, that’s a good (the last) memory.

The vet say he will dye sooner that later from a heart attack… and a fulminating natural death is better than having to make the decision, I can’t stop saying that I think is terrible having to decide upon a life… but there’s also something called common sense, Chispitas (diminutive form of his real name, Chispas, which means Sparks in English) no longer has a good quality of life and is almost nothing what we can do for him except keep putting IV fluids on him… Common sense Vs. Heart (feelings) it isn’t a good dilemma to live… maybe is cheeky to ask You to save us from making that decision and… I think I’m not asking for that but at least I want to tell you what I feel… Should I be taking to You in my room? well, I don’t know,  You know I like to write and I feel the needing to share this online. I know some people care, whether they have sympathy for pets or care about me, I may not talk much about this but tell a lot on my writings, is my strength, what I like to do, and I wanna offer to those around me some kind of a window to this process, my process, that yes, is hard, but it is not so cloudy as it seems or as it used to be.

Thanks my God for the presence and labor of Ricardo in my life, thanks for walking with me in the process with him and to allow me to advance in so many different aspects of my life, thanks to put in my hands the book of Irvin Yalom because it was this way that I gathered the strength and tranquility to confront this. Thank You for allowing me to understand not only that my dog has finished his cycle but also which was his mission: my loyal companion, my brother, my friend, the one who took me from child to adult. I don’t like the way Ricardo refers to him but is true: my crutch. I wanna think life for a moment as a process of various marriages: my dog received me in childhood and carried me to adulthood. You, my Lord, through him, already took care of that, and I will never thank You enough for this.

I recognize Your greatness and I respect Your will, which is why I think there are some stuff I can’t ask You for but at least I wanna make them explicit since are the wishes of my heart and I put them up to you, my Lord. You already know I wish I didn’t have to make the call upon his life, I would like him to leave this world in a natural painless way, I wonder if You are going to call him or if we will send him to You… the question sounds as awful as the decision itself, that sentence, for real or joking, I think it belongs to the murderers slang: “or You take him or I’ll send him to You” it is not the best referent but is one of the reasons what I don’t want to make the choice. I also want him to be buried. Anyone can think it is a whim or that is too much money to pay and is pointless if he is dead. How much it cost the funeral of a person? It is expensive Funeravet’s price since they are the only one who offer that service? What if I take the time to look for and compare the prices of a human funeral and the funeral of my dog? “I am crazy”, “those are things not to compare”, “it is just a dog”, “a human life worth more”? How about being a little bit more crude and use the same argument of my mom when her time comes: “I’ll pay her everything in this life but not when she dies”? Would I leave my parents bodies with out being buried or cremated if they don’t allow me to bury my dog? Of course not but those are questions that help me to make others get me and what I feel.

I don’t want his ashes (cremate my dog) to save them or throw them somewhere away. It is my dad the one who wants to be cremated and his ashes to be thrown in Magdalena river from a bridge I can’t recall right now. My dog doesn’t have a will to give his ashes a destiny with a meaning and I’m not interested either in make a symbolic act by throwing his ashes somewhere around the world. I just want him to be buried and rest, some days ago I thought about an epitaph and it is one of the reasons, if not the most powerful, to put him in a grave. My dad is the one who can afford the price to bury my dog, so the decision is now up to him. I haven’t talked to him but my mom did and she said she kind of persuaded him. This is my unique wish whim? yeah maybe, crazy? yeah maybe that too but I wanna bury him and I can even make of this my birthday wish without asking for anything else. I wanna bury my dog at any cost, I don’t care. I no longer worry about the fact that he may not be with me on my birthday, but I do care to celebrate my 23 years old knowing that I wasn’t able to bury him.