Archive for the ‘Sin categoría’ Category

Ok so I don’t know how many people read me here but I believe a few do it and they may know a little bit about me just for this blog. Well this are my updates: I’m 4 days and a half left to finish my internship: December 26th, 27th, 28th, half day of 31st and January 2nd, there, I’m done!

Also I have to say that I guess this year I was in some kind of search for the Word of God since, you know, regular Catholics aren’t very close to the Bible. I think this is my way to explain all what I lived in matter of faith and believing, and how my experience in an Evangelical group help me on that. Now I feel that the search have ended, I still believe in Him and you never stop learning from Him and about Him through life, but I just feel full of Him, the hole I had is covered. Because of that and also because of my work, I stopped writing here.

Finally, I have something a little bit sad to tell: my dog, my companion for the last 15 years has passed away. We put him to sleep cause he had tumors in his throat that made it really hard for him to eat and swallow, the last days we always had to took him to the vet for some fluid. So yes he is gone. One happy thing to share, in the middle of this difficulty, is that my dad conceded me my wish of burying him (paying to do so at a special place) and this helped a little bit with the pain we feel since two weeks later, on the day of my b-day (Sept 30th) we went back there to decorate his tomb and this is what it looks like… seriously despite the pain, this is a reason to smile, it looks beautiful and give us the feeling we gave him the best till the very last moment.

Image

The epitaph I wrote says this, of course in Spanish: “Here lays a crazy monkey, my loyal companion. God will take good care of you, my Chispitas, thank you for all these years of your wonderful company”.

“Monkey” is the closest translation I have for what I meant: I taught him to climb on the toboggan at the park and to do other stuff when I was a kid, no idea how I did it, so he was kind of mischievous most part of his life, a book of stories to tell and laugh.

I have survived to the lost, I have managed it well and so it does my mom. But now that the holidays are coming I want to share this post that I wrote today (right before this post) on a new blog I created. On that blog I’m always talking to him like to the memory of him that lives in me, is a good exercise or therapy that just came out of my mind one day. Also is supposed to be just in Spanish but today I broke the rule. Please read and give me some feedback. This is the link (click here).

And that tough topic keeps going…

Posted: 8 de September de 2012 in Sin categoría

(Translated from my blog in Spanish, publishing date modified to the original post)

Today, for the first time ever, we talked about the possibility of putting my dog to sleep… we agreed to do it next Saturday. I know he must leave, is more than fair, 15 years in a dog can only be deserving of an eternal rest and I thank God for all these years He allowed me to have with him. I would like to ask You, Lord not to put that decision in our hands, apparently we already took the decision, You know, day by day the situation of his heart and lungs, that in addition to the tumors in his throat not only makes it hard to breath but also to eat. Despite everything I thank You because he looks fine, he doesn’t look gaunt, and how nice for him to rest like that, looking good, that’s a good (the last) memory.

The vet say he will dye sooner that later from a heart attack… and a fulminating natural death is better than having to make the decision, I can’t stop saying that I think is terrible having to decide upon a life… but there’s also something called common sense, Chispitas (diminutive form of his real name, Chispas, which means Sparks in English) no longer has a good quality of life and is almost nothing what we can do for him except keep putting IV fluids on him… Common sense Vs. Heart (feelings) it isn’t a good dilemma to live… maybe is cheeky to ask You to save us from making that decision and… I think I’m not asking for that but at least I want to tell you what I feel… Should I be taking to You in my room? well, I don’t know,  You know I like to write and I feel the needing to share this online. I know some people care, whether they have sympathy for pets or care about me, I may not talk much about this but tell a lot on my writings, is my strength, what I like to do, and I wanna offer to those around me some kind of a window to this process, my process, that yes, is hard, but it is not so cloudy as it seems or as it used to be.

Thanks my God for the presence and labor of Ricardo in my life, thanks for walking with me in the process with him and to allow me to advance in so many different aspects of my life, thanks to put in my hands the book of Irvin Yalom because it was this way that I gathered the strength and tranquility to confront this. Thank You for allowing me to understand not only that my dog has finished his cycle but also which was his mission: my loyal companion, my brother, my friend, the one who took me from child to adult. I don’t like the way Ricardo refers to him but is true: my crutch. I wanna think life for a moment as a process of various marriages: my dog received me in childhood and carried me to adulthood. You, my Lord, through him, already took care of that, and I will never thank You enough for this.

I recognize Your greatness and I respect Your will, which is why I think there are some stuff I can’t ask You for but at least I wanna make them explicit since are the wishes of my heart and I put them up to you, my Lord. You already know I wish I didn’t have to make the call upon his life, I would like him to leave this world in a natural painless way, I wonder if You are going to call him or if we will send him to You… the question sounds as awful as the decision itself, that sentence, for real or joking, I think it belongs to the murderers slang: “or You take him or I’ll send him to You” it is not the best referent but is one of the reasons what I don’t want to make the choice. I also want him to be buried. Anyone can think it is a whim or that is too much money to pay and is pointless if he is dead. How much it cost the funeral of a person? It is expensive Funeravet’s price since they are the only one who offer that service? What if I take the time to look for and compare the prices of a human funeral and the funeral of my dog? “I am crazy”, “those are things not to compare”, “it is just a dog”, “a human life worth more”? How about being a little bit more crude and use the same argument of my mom when her time comes: “I’ll pay her everything in this life but not when she dies”? Would I leave my parents bodies with out being buried or cremated if they don’t allow me to bury my dog? Of course not but those are questions that help me to make others get me and what I feel.

I don’t want his ashes (cremate my dog) to save them or throw them somewhere away. It is my dad the one who wants to be cremated and his ashes to be thrown in Magdalena river from a bridge I can’t recall right now. My dog doesn’t have a will to give his ashes a destiny with a meaning and I’m not interested either in make a symbolic act by throwing his ashes somewhere around the world. I just want him to be buried and rest, some days ago I thought about an epitaph and it is one of the reasons, if not the most powerful, to put him in a grave. My dad is the one who can afford the price to bury my dog, so the decision is now up to him. I haven’t talked to him but my mom did and she said she kind of persuaded him. This is my unique wish whim? yeah maybe, crazy? yeah maybe that too but I wanna bury him and I can even make of this my birthday wish without asking for anything else. I wanna bury my dog at any cost, I don’t care. I no longer worry about the fact that he may not be with me on my birthday, but I do care to celebrate my 23 years old knowing that I wasn’t able to bury him.

A flower and a rock

Posted: 1 de July de 2012 in Sin categoría

This metaphor came to my mind as the easiest way to explain it. You can see the beauty of a flower, you can see the life inside of it, you can see how with its beauty makes a garden looks better, and you can choose whether you keep it in the garden shining over the rest of the plants or if you take it with you to your house, to make happy to your mom, your wife, your girlfriend. Maybe you will feel compassionate, touched by the beauty and fragility of this flower and you choose not to remove it from the land.

Now think of a rock. If you choose to pick it from the ground you don’t have to think it carefully. You can throw it away, throw it in a lake (to see it jumping, like a little frog before it sinks), or you can throw it to the window of your friend so that he hears the noise and checks who is outside. But do you think that rock feels? No, why would you think that if we were told that rocks aren’t alive, like a flower definitely is? How can you be compassionate with a rock if it doesn’t seem a logic, normal thing to do? How can you be compassionate with a person whose heart is like a rock? There has to be a way even if it doesn’t seem clear, let’s say I’m trying to figure that out right now, and meanwhile I came to this metaphor sort of musing… since I see it so hard, I put this up to the Lord, in his hand. You, my God, you know what am I talking about, You know how important this is to me, and I desperately need Your help on this. I beg You, Lord.

Long time ago, when I was telling something to my godfather, I pointed out something about myself: “I know things (I’m aware of them) yet I need to be told”. What I’m going to tell now is very, very intimate… Last night I was in the concert of Martín Valverde, a Catholic singer. He has a song called “A qué esperar?” (What to wait for?) And it talks about the importance of forgiving and healing before the person we are angry at, full of rancor or hatred dies or we die. I have a lot of issues with my dad and though I’ve heard the song before, this time it hits me. Then I had a thought but it felt as if it didn’t belong to me: “Si tu viejo se va…” (if your old man leaves…) I’ve never think about my dad as “my old man” so definitely those words weren’t mine, I believe where His, were from God. I didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence though later I tried to imagine what would have been those words. My dad may be winning the battle with cancer but he is 75, I can’t expect him to live 50 years more, and I don’t have “a life” (all the time in the world) to fix my relationship with him. Yet is a complex situation. Dear God, please help me on this.

Oh, and for the record, on the metaphor, let’s put it as simple as this: my mom is the flower, my dad is the rock.

Strong doubts…

Posted: 22 de June de 2012 in Sin categoría

(In this post I share a lot of my life and you may get lost or think something like “but aren’t you supposed to talk about your relationship with God in this blog and not just yourself?”, well yeah, but everything is connected, please continue reading and you’ll understand).

I will never doubt of my faith in God, but right now I’m having doubts on what does He want from me. Sometimes what we study has to do with God’s purpose while others it has nothing to do with it, then is our choice to go in God’s direction turning our back to what we studied or if we choose to serve to God’s purpose as well as developing a career in what we studied. Maybe we feel God doesn’t want us to turn away from what we like and make us happy but He also wants us to work for Him, why not? we can do both.

My whole live I’ve liked to think a lot and write down most of the stuff I think, just like I’m doing right now. Is like I’m looking for something but I really don’t know what, I guess I’m trying to fit in the world, to feel I’m doing something important, that’s worth for it, to find a real meaning for my life. I know writing is my life, and I know journalism is the path I chose and what I studied for, I know I enjoy putting all my efforts to contact a source (person) and the harder the better, is like a challenge I like to take until I get the interview, I have really good skills to do that, to contact sources, I guess is one of the things I enjoy the most from my career. And I know I have a thirst of true so that I would like to work in investigative journalism that could be from scandals of politics (though I hate them) and stuff related to that, like investigating, looking not only for information but also for clues like a detective or a policeman, (I also have a taste for that), or just to have some interest for life stories which means getting to know as deep as possible the person you are going to write about and to get the interesting story that it worth to tell.

But where is God in that? if He isn’t there shouldn’t I do it? but if is my passion? Is it? Seriously? Then explain me why you (me) dropped your internship, your second chance, you acted as if you didn’t care and now  you are going to be called to Faculty Commission, that doesn’t sound very nice. Though the cases are different, it is the second time you fail and now everything is more serious, shouldn’t you be like to the verge of a nervous breakdown? You are worried but not enough to get to that point… somehow my God gives me a little bit of peace, maybe I don’t deserve it but He is really big and merciful. You are aware of the dimension of the problem as the consequence of your acts and since you are able to assume it and recognize it, you have some tranquility about it. Well yeah it was a mistake but don’t tell me journalism is not my passion,  I lost interest in this second chance, I didn’t expected to have it so easy or to be able to manage my time however I wanted, I chose to be lazy and to use my time in other stuff like writing on my blog (the one of blogger, mostly in Spanish) about the stuff I think about my life which also has to do with my Saturday’s sessions with my psychologist, so either I write on my blog or I send him and email with my thoughts. I also inverted some of my time reading about God and like 15% of my time was invested (or wasted) in stuff I can not say. I cared more about fixing my life, than to work on my internship, that can’t be and excuse but is sort of what happened, it is not just to think but to feel and to change, to improve in the areas that are difficult and need to work better. So if I dropped my internship is not cause journalism is not my passion.

When I was younger, in the school my dream was to travel all around the world knowing cultures, helping people and to put the name of my country (Colombia) high for what I’ve done. I sort of forgot that dream, but I’m still very patriotic. I don’t know, I guess I feel a little nostalgic about that dream now. Helping people is like one of the things I’ve always wanted to do but I’ve never done, it was the reason I chose communication for development as my emphasis at University. The thing is that I focused on my wish of being a journalist (my faculty asks us to choose and emphasis in communication and an emphasis in journalism) and you know memory is selective, well I don’t remember many things I learned on communication for development.

Another thing that is key for me is English, I really love it as my second language and my wish right now is to be able to use it in an academic context, to study something abroad in English related with my career, postgraduate studies. And is here, in the use of English, were God appears again, sorry if you got lost while you were reading all this (thanks for taking the time btw). Is great to see that thanks to my knowledge of this language I was able to contact to a church from US (Crossroads Kids’ Club from Crossroads Church) and to work together in the translation of an animated video for kids about the parable of the prodigal son. A friend of mine supported me with the idea and we recorded his voice (the narration of the video in Spanish, I translated the script they sent me by email) at the radio studio from his university, we sent it to the people from Crossroads and they made all the editing. It was really great to see the result of this working together. The next steps are to show it at the Youth Group on Saturday (next week, cause the “agenda” for this Saturday is already set) and then to show it to the kids from the social work we have, which is the real purpose of this. Crossroads Kids’ Club have like 5 more animated videos on their Vimeo channel, and I would like to keep working together with them and translate them all, of course with the support of my church.

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This point is weird, I’m still Catholic, I have no plans to convert, but day by day I feel I truly belong to YFC, which I really like it and though I’m not going to their Sunday service nor to any other (evangelical) I have to speak as if I were part of it (“my church”) just as a formality when it comes to do this kind of stuff to make it easy to work together with people from abroad.

On the other hand there’s a girl from YFC who arrived some weeks ago from Argentina, she actually was traveling all across South America, volunteering fro YFC and she now has the mission to translate and re-make in a Latin context the videos of an evangelism program called 3Story so she want us all to participate in re-making the videos. Well I’ll be helping in adjusting the scripts, they are already translated, Mayra (the girl) did it but for now is just literal translation and I’ll be helping her to adjust them to our context, grammar or whatever. I also got a role on of the videos, is short but I’m happy to do it.

This night (a couple of hours ago) I felt like a call (or “the call”?) from God. I felt that my mission is to work for His purpose breaking barriers of language, using my English to spread his message, like to help communication within English and Spanish speakers, sharing material or life experiences to spread God’s message, and that what I did with the video of the prodigal son was just the beginning. Then I also thought “so are You challenging me?” yeah maybe He is because I have to say that I’m not looking forward to make people convert or believe, at least not if they are atheist, like a friend of mine. He is so convinced of his reasons not to believe and fight about them or despises the arguments of faith that I’m like “fine whatever, believe what you want and let me believe what I believe”. I prefer to respect people believing no matter what they are than to argue in favor of God, I don’t want others to try to set me apart of Him (to forget my faith), why should I try to make them closer to Him if they don’t want to? It is different when someone who believe in Him, though maybe he is not really close, is struggling and then is easy to help that person get closer and feel better…

I really feel God wants me to work for Him this way but not to put 100% of my time to it, I must graduate, get an internship and fulfilled perfectly. Then we’ll see…

(Editing):

One more thing  I forgot to tell is about Lasallian Volunteer Missionary (VML for its abbreviation in Spanish). The first version of it was released (or launched?) when I was starting my career, doing my first semester at University, and I really wanted to participate on this but my parents got alarmed by the idea. I had just started to study after dropping my unique failed semester of medicine and now I wanted to jump to a poor area of my country to help people? Yeah, right, study goes first, my parents said. However I’ve always had this wish inside my heart, I want it to do it someday I still feel connected to De La Salle and I really want to participate in this Volunteer.

So now, when I ruined my present by dropping my internship, now when I’m about to face the Faculty Commission, Volunteer could be a good option. I know that if I say it that way sounds like “oh right, the perfect plan to escape from reality”, that is like the self-questioning that stops me from making the decision, that and the fact that is not something you decide in the blink of an eye, you have to think it carefully. But I also think about it, because… I don’t know, my problems in life have been like the psychiatric issue and the feeling of loneliness, suppress that and you get the most pink happy story you can imagine. I’ve had all the commodities, a housemaid who lives with us and in in charge of all the housekeeping and cooking, I don’t even have to make my bed except for Sundays, I can’t cook and the unique duty I help with on Sundays when she rests, is washing the dishes. I’ve never had to work cause my father supports me and gives me everything so yeah, my life has been pretty easy, I can’t complain. I may be comfortable but in my conscience I kind of got tired of it, I think I need something to shake me up, to make me appreciate what I have or what it takes to get things instead of having them so easy. I think that volunteering for VML would be a perfect shaking and also an opportunity to walk deeper in God’s path, to learn, to listen and to know better what he wants for me.

Everything is just doubts for now…

God through my mom

Posted: 15 de June de 2012 in Sin categoría

This was originally written in Spanish on my blog from blogger though for the subject should have been thought an written in English here, I felt more confident to do it in Spanish. So here I am, translating.

Sometimes we hear truths that are hard to deal with, to recognize them, that maybe we wanna argue against them or at least ignore because is hard to face them. They are truths that in the bottom put a questioning straight to the heart and they are like a life or death challenge, maybe it sounds like empty words or that I’m overreacting but is serious. Challenges mean changes and that’s something I can’t deal with, I prefer to avoid them or at least resist at the beginning.

Several months ago, in two occasions, close in time among them, Fercho preached about the importance of having a good relationship with your parents as a requirement to have a good relationship with God, we can’t be in peace with Him if we aren’t in peace with our parents. In those days I was like clashing with my parents all the time, it was then when Ricardo, the psychologist, said that I was having the fights a teenager normally has with his parents at 16 (I’m 22).  When Fercho said that I was like “but that can’t be true because if it is then I (…) if I’m fighting and arguing with my parents all the time, I’m not at my best with God right now?”… That was a truth, a challenge, accurate, sincere, stark, straight. A truth that put on the table a bunch of questioning I couldn’t stand and preferred to ignore.

I did have in mind the wish or idea to fix my relationship with my parents, that was when I had the reflection about the rainbow,  but I didn’t really try. Though things have improved a lot and I must recognize God’s power in that, it also has to do with my evolution, someway, thanks to the process with Ricardo.

But that radical and notorious improvement has a lack of core, the key, the basis: trusting factor. My God, please forgive me but right now I’m going to intentionally exclude to my father from this writing. I love him very much and he is so important for me but our relationship has been distant, and with him, before having confidence, I just want to have a closer relationship… I don’t know if time will do for that (he is 75) but I’m not going to rush things nor I’m going to run against the clock. What I need to fix in my relationship with him is really complex and complicated. The metaphor of the satellite, was one of the most accurate points from Ricardo about my life, that has been the role of my father in my life, he is there but he is far and is hard to get to him, that’s why I prefer to take the image and person-personality of my mom to represent herself and my dad when I talk about my relationship with my parents.

My mom is really beautiful, she is the most wonderful human being on Earth… I think I no longer care about her mood issues, when she gets really angry allowing anger to be more than her, so that she make faces, clenching, eyes out of orbit, and maybe tries to slap me (NOT in face). Maybe our relationship has improved though we haven’t realized of that… really it’s been a while without fighting, no fighting at all… she is more comprehensive and I’m more receptive when she calls my attention, I no longer confront her and is great to see that we no longer fight that way. The trusting factor in this case is limited because I wanted to be that way, because I convinced myself that “parents before friends are parents, and you don’t wanna make them worry”, I actually think that a very reasonable-logic argument, I still believe it, but is a way of thinking that it made me blind and it made me closed to my mom, with that beautiful human being that gave me life, to turn my back to her instead of trusting her, to push myself away and hide from her. But even with all those barriers she can know me and get me in a way nobody else can. Ágape is not only the love of God or Jesus for us, Ágape is also the love my mom has for me, and I’m 200% convinced about that, she has shown it to me in the last days.

(This is my handwriting on Bible study lesson, translation above in caption):

Before the death and ascension of Christ, the highest love known by man was phileo love, the willing of a man to dye for a friend. But in Christ, God was showing to the world a new type of love, the love ágape.
New meaning = love that is willing to give and die even for an enemy.
Ágape love = the love of God for the world. The highest love possible = the love of God.

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She is incredible, she is beautiful, I love her and maybe with my acts (of not trusting) I’ve hurt her, but she has been able to get me and support me, just the way God can do it. My mom is not God, but her love for me it as big and wonderful as the one The Father has for us. Today I can get Fercho’s words, parents are ambassadors of God in Earth, His representatives, and my mom is my earthly link with God, during the last days I’ve learnt a lot from her-Him.

Maybe this is not the best way to talk to You, my Lord and to make You this heavy question, but maybe is useful at least as a draft.

You know everything, You know what is the question though I haven’t written it here, You know it since it crossed my mind or even before. So you know, I was reading that news about Gustavo Cerati and then I asked myself… Why or what for people spend so much time in comma? What is the purpose? How do we know in which moment of that “long pause” the soul of that person finally rests despite of the fact that the body is still alive though unconscious almost death? or on the contrary it hangs on to the body with all its strengths looking for a second chance? You, Lord, the owner of the life, please tell me why does exists the comma status? what for you take a body and a soul debating among life and death for so long? What makes You decide whether if that person must join You or on the contrary go back to life? How do You do it to decide or when do You do it?

What do You tell me about the family? I guess the first months they live in constant agony and anguish… then they get used to it and almost lose they hope though deep inside they keep it even if is minimum… they cling to the idea of seeing the person next to them, walking, laughing, living again…

Seriously, I don’t get it, and please excuse me for questioning Your Infinite Wisdom and Your will, but if usually human life is about being or not being, to live or to die, what is the point of that weird status pretty much like an earthly limbo? Does the purpose of it have to do with the person that is in comma status, whether if he or she joins you or comes back to life as a lesson? Or does the purpose have to do with the relatives and the experience as something that teach them and strengthen them?

What I don’t like

Posted: 1 de May de 2012 in Sin categoría

(I’m dragging some ideas from different things I’ve wrote originally in Spanish).

Sometimes I feel I’m “no one” at YFC but still I think I’m starting to do things that can be appreciated, like talking to a guy who is going through something that makes him sad. While talking to him I was able to tell clearly what is what I see at YFC that I don’t like, I wasn’t able to that before, I couldn’t explain why I felt awkward sometimes, but while talking to him I could speak my mind.

So here it is: Most of  the ppl, since they are worried to have a real close relationship with God, they live so prevented and in fear of doing something wrong, they live like with a manual of life that tells them what you have to do, what you can do and what you CAN’T do. It seems they measure their actions all the time and even the actions of everyone else. That makes things hard because sometimes it creates like an awkward tension and I don’t like that. Is a tension that is strongly determined by a collective thinking and  for “what people say”.

Is true that we are no one to judge others but sometimes it seems like God’s law or what He says it were the pointing finger in others mouth. Sometimes it seems that we were authorized to judge because “God says something” and if you go against that, you are wrong and I have the right to judge you since you are acting against His word… is like something we tend to assume without being conscious of that.

Would be great if we could be ourselves for real, not having to suppress some parts of our personality for fear of not being accepted. Would be great if we could be a little bit more tolerant with others way to think.